It's a Bomb

It didn’t go the way I expected. Everyone in the audience sat in deafening silence. I realised then that this was how it was to bomb. I stood for a moment. What to do? I had more really really funny stuff to say, but what was the point? This lot were too stupid or too drunk to understand. I had a few options open to me. Either try to push on and face more humilating silence, or worse, heckling from the audience. Or turn around and leave the stage in ignominy. Either option did not seem like a good option.

But then, why should this bunch of retards get away with this? No, it’s not OK to not laugh. It means you’re stupid. And it was up to me to make it clear who was at fault here. Them. Not me. There was apparently not one in the audience with more than two brain cells to rub together. They needed advice and help, and I was in the best position to dish it out. I was gonna help them. They had intellectual handicaps and needed my guidance. So I stopped talking, I walked to the front of the stage and tried to look them in the eyes. The lights were too bright shining from the back of the room. But I addressed them anyway. “Ladies and gentlemen. When you paid your money you should have realised you would be getting some high level intellectually stimulating humor. Not the bottom feeder, crude trash you are used to. And not in the excuse for a language you use to communicate with each other, but in genuine English. Yes, you, you dumb looking excuse for a human. This ... is ... English. This is what it sounds like, and this, oh dimwitted one, is a stand up comedy routine. I have tested these jokes on the smartest people in this country, including myself,and they split their sides laughing. So now we know why you aren’t laughing. But no matter how dimwitted you are, you’re offending me, you’re wasting my time, and you’re making me think you are stupid. So either you start laughing now or get out! A small laugh started somewhere at the back. Then the laughing grew. I told a joke, a feeble one. I shouted “Allah akbar” and I threw my coat open. “yes, it’s a bomb”. They all laughed. Finally I could finish my routine. From then on every joke got a laugh. At one point I decided the laugh was not big enough. I stood for a moment looking glaringly at the audience. The laughter broke out like it should. And so I finished my routine and left the stage. Another great show...