Feline Despot

I never really knew what it was like to be a cat lover, and as such, I never really owned a cat. But one day all that changed. Not the part about being a cat lover, but the part about being a cat owner, if anyone can ever label themselves such. Because one day I was at home on the couch watching a reality show about spouses cheating on each other. A very fat and ugly lady was trying to hit another with her shoe, but three large men were holding her back. Just then, in walked a cat. It was a grey, soft furry cat. It looked very nice, so I sat up, it cam to me and I stroked it. It fealt very nice too. Like a living cuddly toy. Pretty soon it was sitting on the couch with me, were it’s warm body was a comfort. It was really at home in my house from the start. I believe it even slept on my bed that first night, and it did so just about every night from then on. In fact, most of the time I was home, it was there too. Of course I didn’t really know what to make of my new friend.

Now I am a sigle guy, so most of my life not at work is spent hunting various women, with a view to bringing them home and having my way with them. It was a rare occasion and I had got lucky. When I had finally maneuvered her into the bedroom, I managed to wrestle her onto the bed, and Soon I had most of her clothes off. But as I battled with her blouse which was stuck over her head, she all of a sudden let out a blood curdling yell. Something else let out a yell too, a howl which sounded ominously like you hear when cats are fighting. We both leapt of the bed, scared stiff. She was crying and told me she had been attacked. Sure enough, she seeme dto be leeding from some cuts on her leg. I immediately turned the light on. There was the cat looking satosfied with himself, sitting on th ebed. I was so cross. But the cat was having none of it, it was quiet clear he thought the bed was a place for piece and quiet, and he intended to enforce that.

Things were more difficult after that. When I slept I had to keep dead still, especially when he lay against me, which he often did, or he would get upset. I had to lie along the edge of the bed so I didn’t disturb him as he reposed curled up in the centre. Soon he began enforcing his authority in the rest of the house too. He would wait in a side room til I walked down the passage, then leap out and sink his claws and teeth into my leg.

My reaction used to give him endless entertainment. I had no idea how he fed himself, until one day, as usual I was eating a andwich I had made in front of the TV. He came from the side, stuck his face into my plate and took the ham out the middle. It was then that I assumed he had reached the point where he required me to begin feeding him too. SO next time I was in Pick n Pay, I went to the cat food section. It didn’t seem like a bad idea, lots of fairly good looking women have cats and were in that section too. But I was horrified to see the price of cat food. So I remember how, that first time, I had chosen the very cheapest, and how, when I got home, the cat stuck his nose up at it, jumped on the counter and took a large chunk of chicken I had planned to eat myself. So then I learnt to only get the most expensive cat food.

One day I was sitting erect on the side table, since the cat was lying on the sofa. I was thinking, because the sound of the TV disturbed the cat’s repose. I was eating bread because I had spent all my money on cat food. I had not invited anyone because I knew the cat didn’t like other people. I had not gone out because I knew he gets lonely. My house had become a foreign place to me. It was then I realised. The cat had taken over.

It's a Bomb

It didn’t go the way I expected. Everyone in the audience sat in deafening silence. I realised then that this was how it was to bomb. I stood for a moment. What to do? I had more really really funny stuff to say, but what was the point? This lot were too stupid or too drunk to understand. I had a few options open to me. Either try to push on and face more humilating silence, or worse, heckling from the audience. Or turn around and leave the stage in ignominy. Either option did not seem like a good option.

But then, why should this bunch of retards get away with this? No, it’s not OK to not laugh. It means you’re stupid. And it was up to me to make it clear who was at fault here. Them. Not me. There was apparently not one in the audience with more than two brain cells to rub together. They needed advice and help, and I was in the best position to dish it out. I was gonna help them. They had intellectual handicaps and needed my guidance. So I stopped talking, I walked to the front of the stage and tried to look them in the eyes. The lights were too bright shining from the back of the room. But I addressed them anyway. “Ladies and gentlemen. When you paid your money you should have realised you would be getting some high level intellectually stimulating humor. Not the bottom feeder, crude trash you are used to. And not in the excuse for a language you use to communicate with each other, but in genuine English. Yes, you, you dumb looking excuse for a human. This ... is ... English. This is what it sounds like, and this, oh dimwitted one, is a stand up comedy routine. I have tested these jokes on the smartest people in this country, including myself,and they split their sides laughing. So now we know why you aren’t laughing. But no matter how dimwitted you are, you’re offending me, you’re wasting my time, and you’re making me think you are stupid. So either you start laughing now or get out! A small laugh started somewhere at the back. Then the laughing grew. I told a joke, a feeble one. I shouted “Allah akbar” and I threw my coat open. “yes, it’s a bomb”. They all laughed. Finally I could finish my routine. From then on every joke got a laugh. At one point I decided the laugh was not big enough. I stood for a moment looking glaringly at the audience. The laughter broke out like it should. And so I finished my routine and left the stage. Another great show...

The Handover

Sipho:

Mon 11:00

Dear Frank,

Unfortunately I received your flash disk and copied te contents onto my computer. On opening them, I discovered they relate to the 4th year design course, and there was nothing relating to the fluid mehcanics course.

Since I do not have the required information, I will be forced to consider the course "not yet handed over".

Best Regards,

Sipho

Mon 11:01

Dear Sipho,

Thank you for your informative email.

Please find attached all the course materials for fluid mechanics. I wish you well on being assigned this exciting course to lecture and co-ordinate in 2017. I really enjoyed lecturing it in 2016.

Best Regards,

Frank

Tues9:20

Dear Frank,

I was excited to revceive your email and attachments about this new course. However, imagine my dissappointment when I realised my system was incapacble of handling such a big attachement, and I was forced to delete the email. I am so dissappointed. It's like, at this rate, I'll never be able to officially take over this course.

Yours in sadness,

Sipho

TuesL 9:21

Dear Sipho,

Please do not lose hope! I have made a new course flash disk which I tried to bring to your office. I knocked and knocked and there was no answer, and the door was locked. At first I thought I heard you breathing in there, but maybe it was the wind. Funny, I got there so fast after you sent the email. Maybe you had to rush to the toilet? Anyway, no matter, I have left it in your pigeon hole. Please collect it as soon as possible.

Kind Regards,

Frank

Wed 13h00

In the Tea room:

Sipho: "Hi Frank, I just got this memory stick from my pigeon hole, thanks. It looks a bit damaged, I'm not sure it will work. And this is a cheap make. Kingston. Never heard of it. These Chinese do produce rubbish these days. Wouldn't be surprised if it lost all the data."

Frank: "Well, at least try it, Sipho. The course starts next week, you really need to begin preparing for it."

Sipho: "But Frank, what am I to do? The person who has all the course information and notes s really the coordinator until a proper hadover takes place. Why, I know nothing about the course, I'm relying on this cheap, dirty Chinese device to suffice. qute Frankly, I'm not sure the Chinese can be relied upon. Just having this device in my hand means nothing, I need to see if my computer will read it."

Frank: "Well, Ian the sooner you try, the sooner we’ll know."

Sipho: "Absolutely Frank, the less time this device has to lose the data, the better. Let me just finish my tea. Hmm, careful now, did you just spill your tea on it?"

Frank: "No, it looks like you tried to. Luckily you placed the flash disk so close to me I managed to prevent it. Your tea flew across the table onto my shirt instead. Here, let me slide it across the table, closer to you, for safety."

Frank finishes his tea and leaves the room. In walks Claudia.

Sipho: "Hi Claudia. Do you know who left that flash disk on the table? It might be yours. No? Well, why don’t you take it and see what’s on it, maybe you can work out who it belongs to."

Wed 16h00

Message to all: from Sipho: Would the person who has the Kingston fluid mechanics course flash disk please ensure they are in lecture room SWE120 at 8 on Monday. The students will no doubt be expecting a lecture.

Regards, Sipho.
 

Wed 16h10

Frank: Knock, knock, knock. "Ian, come out. I know you're in there."

Small voice from inside: "How do you know? Anyway, it's past 4 and I finish work at 4. You can come and speak to me tomorrow."

Frank: "Please, please Sipho. It wasn't my choice to give you this course to lecture. You can't hide from your responsibilities for ever."

Small voice: "Until the official handover takes place, it isn't my responsibility. There's nothing I can do to help you. If you can't do the course handover properly, it's not my problem."

Ferris the Fly

Boris stared through the glass as the reggae music gently played in the background. There was something swimming there. On closer inspection he saw it was a fly, so he reached in and fished him out, and placed him on the table. His name was Ferris. He looked like he felt the same as Boris did, that is, like he had just been swimming in a glass of beer. It was a good feeling. He wondered if the fly had done it intentionally, as Boris effectively had. Maybe Ferris had the same problems as Boris, and maybe the diving into the beer was Ferris’s vain effort to end it all on a happy note. How similar they were. But it’s never easy. Here Ferris had done his best, and Boris had saved him, and was busy nursing him back to health. Today was not his day, he would live to face tomorrow too. And tomorrow nothing would have changed, the mountain of insurmountable problems would still be there. He felt more and more sorry for Ferris. He didn’t know the nature of his problems. Maybe he was battling to feed a large family. Maybe he had just found out about a couple of thousand extra illegitimate children. Maybe he had cheated on his wife for the first time, or worse, she had cheated on him. Maybe he had just found out his last batch of children weren’t really his. Just the thought of all that made Boris more sorry for poor Ferris, so much so, that he had almost forgotten his own mountainous problems. He had a closer loom at Ferris, who was busy wiping his wings with his back legs, in an effort to remove some of the beer and dry them. He was looking decidedly more healthy than a few minutes ago, when he had looked partically drowned, with drooping wings and lying flat on the table, unmoving. Boris had thought then he might not make it, but bit by bit he had started moving various appendages. Now he was looking very much alive, and it was clear he was going to mke it after all. His head twisted as he wiped his huge eyes. It was hard to say what he had been trying to deal wth in hislife , You couldn’t tell much by looking at him, he looked like any other fly. But it was like that, no one let anyone else see the load they had to bear. Boris knew he himself looked like any other drunk person in the bar, no one saw or cared about what his problems were. It was probably for the best, there most likely wasn’t much the other flies could do for Ferris, even if they had known. Besides, they all had their problems to cope with. It was just that some, like Ferris, couldn’t cope. He didn’t want to see his mountain of problems topple over, as they inevitably would. Some would call Ferris a coward. Some would call him brave. But in fact, when you are one of more than 7 b of your species on earth, what does it matter? Many just like Ferris died every day, ften in accidents. They might fall by mistake into cooking pots, or get eaten by bords, or most likely swatted or poisoned by humans. Boris could tell by his size that Ferris wasn’t particularly young, and who cared what happened to the old and spent members of your population? They might even secretly welcome his death, more food, less compettion for women. It was too much for Boris. It seemed Ferris solution might not be wrong. It wasn’t right, but it was definitely a solution. And probably the only solution. Certainly the only solution acceptable to ferris, and the only one with certaintly of success. Boris made up his mind, and before ferris was fully functional again, but still very, very drunk, he took the glass and squashed him.

The First Bungee

Simon swallowed hard and thought, Why won’t it go down? He could feel how it seemed to have anticipated the swallow and crouched low against his trachea wall against the downflow. It waited a few seconds before resuming it’s climb up. Meanwhile, down there, a mighty struggle bewteen life and death was underway. The spider had almost fallen into the acidic soup that was simon’s tomach contents, but at the last moment managed to lodge a foot into a fold of skin at the entrance, and had hung there, desparate and gasping in fear. From there he had slowly struggled back, upwards, and through the entrance tunnel. The first time Simon had reaslised something was going wrong with his dinner, he had swallowed hard and the spider had been taken by surprise, almost lost his footing, but just managed to dig toes on two feet into the trachea wall and prevent a certain death. But that was then. Now he had hope. He could see the light at the top of the tunnel that was passing Simon’s oesophagus XXXX, and realised that he was slowly but surely getting there. He had survived numerous hard swallowing attempts, three large waterfalls of wine, and various food items all either hitting him squarely on the head, or sliding past his back, as he ducked each time. Meanwhile, Simon had given up trying to swallow and remove the problem. He had come to terms with the fact that whatever it was that has somehow fallen in his food, and he had unknowingly put in his mouth, was going to come out. Finally, he opened his mouth wide, and the spider stepped out into the light of the restaurent. He almost shouted with relief and joy. Sue took one look at it and jumped up and ran screaming out the door. He looked around and saw Simon’s nose above, so he reached a foot up and stuck the end of a piece of web thread there. Then he leapt over the edge and shimmied down towards Simon’s lap. Simon still hadn’t seen him, but he realised that whatever it was was scary. So he jumped up and ran screaming out the door too. The spider was thrown aside and hung onto the end of the thread, waving around in the wind behind the running Simon’s head. Hey, he thought to himself. This is quite fun. I think I’ll call it bungee.

Bob Fixes a Problem

Bob moved the the electrode towards the workpiece. He had prepared a lot for this. He had all the equipment and gear, a mask on his face, gloves, and all the right equipment. He was by nature a creative person, and this was the culmination of a dream. He had got married young, when he was just 21. She had been so pretty at the wedding, slim, petite, and generally a cute specimen of her gender. They had had a very happy marriage. But time and overeating had taken it’s toll on her. She had gradually grown fatter and uglier. He had many pictures of her at the ripe age of 21 adorning the walls, and he would regularly look at them and her and make a comparison. And there was no doubt, things were going downhill rapidly. It wasn’t as if he didn’t love her anymore, it was more that she was becoming something else, anmd he did not love that something. He had discussed the situation with her, but she, as they normally do, was unreasionable. She kept reminding him of his wedding vows, “til death do us part”. Well, it was patently impossible to keep that vow if she kept changing into a monster. He had done everything he could, pleaded with her, tried to get her on diet, bought her botox, bought a voucher for a facelift, but all to no avail. She absolutely refused to even acknowledge her problem. Finally he had resorted to the only thing that would fix the problem for sure. He had taken the matter into his own hands. When push comes to shove, you can only rely on yourself. He had read on the Internet what to do. While she slept he had given her a gerneral anaesthetic. The workpiece was her face. The electrode is a thing that looks a bit like a scalpel, and the the procedures about to be executed, according to Youtube, was actually quite simple. A bit of skin tighteneing. Some liposuction. And while he was at it, he may as well enlarge her breasts. And shorten her nose, that had always bugged him. Soon she would be the women she had been at 21. Only better. And then he could keep to his wedding vows.