Executive Talents

Players:

Boss – BEE boss, busy with MBA fromUniv of the North

Colin – has tenure by way of possession of photos of boss with other woman (not wife), can’t be fired, old, passed over for promotion, couldn’t care. Saboteur

Rob – bright, intelligent sensible, has best interests of company ayt heart

Jonas – brother BEE, simple-minded, promoted from janitor to vice-head

Bob- Colins old white friend, but less aggressive than Colin

Paul – intelligent nooby feeling his way in the company

Bertha – overweight secretary

Ian – Supoer bright fellow MBA

Executive Talents

"Many would propose maximizing customer satisfaction by achieveing a win-win situation going forward, but at the end of the day it’s a Thinking outside of the box type of Paradigm Shift which will achieve Best Practices in any organization. It is always the case that Giving 110% in organsiation Synergy results in an effective Pushing the envelope to a new Paradigm, creating a Value-added proposition. "

We all sat wearily. I looked at the other members of my department. All were watching dreamily.

Confidentlely Ian raised his hand. Sudeenly we snapped out of it.

"Do you believe our aim is to Take it to the Next Level? Because current thinking suggests you need to hit the ground running to Bring your 'A' game off the off-line."

We were awestruck, watched fascinatedly to see what the boss would do.

The boss hardly missed a beat. "I'm glad you brought that up Ian. I was about to go there. Because Operational scaleability is a key consideration in boosting your offline robustness in the modern era, but at the end of the day only Actionable and impactful change agents can achieve success in Today's Highly Competitive Marketplace ."

Tentatively, Rob raises his hand. “I feel really inspired by what you’ve said, but I’m not sure I understand. Are you talking about increasing profits for our company?”

Boss looks frustrated and cross, like he’s dealing with an idiot. “I can’t be more clear. Are there any other persons here that don’t have the intellectual capacity needed here?  Please, people, have some consideration. If you have  nothing sensible to constribute, maybe don’t interfere. Who klnows, If you just listen, I know unlikely, you’ll pick up something useful.

Let s get back to the meeting:  “Normally you will find the leading provider of infrastructural netware implements the pareto principle to Maximize customer satisfaction. But current Best of Breed systems are suggesting that more attention to the burning platforms  results in a maximization of leverage and a complete refocusing and client-centric reorientation towards your core competencires.

Boss answers cellphone: Hello? I’m a highly paid executive, I run a huge corporation, I’m in a very important meeting. Who the hell do you think you are?

<continues talking animatedly on cellphone>

Jonas to Colin: Wake up. You’ll miss the weekly meeting. Remember, this meeting is for you. It’s your chance to contribute, to make a difference, to put in your 2 cents worth.

Colin: I think there must be something wrong with me. As soon as the boss opens his mouth, a powerful wave of fatigue hits me. This is the only time I can sleep. It’s really sad, because I so want to contribute and make a difference.

<Boss is finished conversation on cellphone.

Boss is shocked. Cheek – they’re having a conversation. Looking around, is this real?

Boss bristles with fury.>

Jonas: That is sad. I’m so glad I’m listening carefully, that I know I will leave this room a more effective employee.

Boss: Are we quite finished? I’ll see you  later, Colin. We’ll have a nice little chat. Right after you’ve woken up, if that ever happens.

 It can happen that the ball is dropped, and such a seamless integration Brings a lot of value to the table. WE need to stay Focused on opreatinal results, and to Architect our own franewaork to ensure we can deal with the Elephant in the room.”

<Boss goes to pour and drink water>

Colin to bob: Now I definietly understood that. He said there’s an elephant here somewhere.

bob : Yes, I heard that too. An elephant. DO you think he means a pink one? Or a white one?

Colin: Clearly he’s not referring to Pendulwa, so it must be the pink one, that would be Bertha.

bob:  I guess we should also call her an elephant. Its company policy now.

Now more than ever we don't have the bandwidth for Downsizing such that we achieve our Benchmark asprations and at the same time meet our Industry Standard. People, we Gotta raise the bar and nip at the heels of the industry Leader in the strategic  domain.

Paul puts his hand up: “are you implying that leverage our core competencies more than we already do? That we mustn’t waver from this basic strategy?”

Boss: Paul, Paul. I like where you’re going with that. But its not so simple, it never is. Remember, your management team have an advanced and highly developed intellectual wealth  of experience in corporate strategy. Its difficult for me to put this across to people with only the shallowest of understanding of business. I’m not saying you’re all stupid, I’m just saying you are who you are, and we are something else. We even have a separate dining area and massive pay cheques for just that reason.  Let me clarify in the simplest way possible, such that even the most basic of you will understand:

As a acknowledged Thought Leader in the field, our User-experience requires a more integrated approach with Teamwork without simply Running it up the flagpole to see who salutes. We need to step up to the plate because we must now be Faster, Cheaper, Better. Lets consider how we Upsell, for example. We need to be carbon neutral and we need to be Like facebook but for the strategic vision of the industry.

Does that clarify things for you Paul? Are we now on the same page?

Paul: Not really. But as you mentioned, I may be out of my depth. I’m just a technical person and have a limited intellectual capacity.

Colin: Its called being stupid…

Boss ignores Colin

Jonas:  Remember, everyone, the boss had very high quality parents and has a highly developed and evolved brain. He also went to a better school than you, Paul. You need to accept that we are not as clever as the boss. That’s why he drives a big expensive car and gets paid so much, and why he has a special executuive dining room, so he can talk only to the other executives with superior intellects.

Boss: Thank you, Jonas. I wouldn’t have put it so bluntly, but you are spot on. And don’t worry Paul, there’s happiness in knowing you are inferior and always will be, always a minion to your superiors. It can be Very satisfying.

Rob: lets be sensible. We  need to improve the marketing of our products and…

Ian stands up and interrupts: It’s like Herding cats if we are to realize sustainablility in the short term, but Quite frankly...In terms of user-focused organic growth We'll probably loop you in during our 4th wuarter when we implement a New and Improved business model which we’ve identified as a purple cow.”

Colin – purple fucking cow….where’s the elephant now?

Nicely put, Ian. Now I know I’m not wasting my time here. My valuable and brilliant words are not being completely lost, there is another intellectually equal mind out there.  Ian, why don’t you get hold of my secretary, Bertha, if your arms are long enough, she might be able to fit you in for a few minutes with me. I’m sure you’ll find her, You can’t miss her. You look like you are the kind of person who could appreciate some company funded coffee imported directly from South America, ground and prepared in the very latest and most expensive technological marvel..

For the rest of you, I’ve said it before, and I say it again. I have an open door policy. You are all welcome to take advantage of it. You too Colin. If you can get past security to the top floor of the building, and then past Bertha, you’ll find the huge and ornately carved door to my office open.  If you then go in, and say something stupid, as you inevitably will, you’re braver than most. Unfortunately bravery is not a characteristic we value here. If you need your paycheck, You might want to try subservience and executive worship instead. And avoid the top floor.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Our focus is driven and dynamic, Crossing the Chasm and we’re Good to go. Yes, L&G its all good. Our ramp-up ensures the scenery only changes for the lead dog and is implementable with Rigor, ensuring we hover under the radar while stil;l Casting a wider net for a new Visionary to drive our Our go-to-market strategy.

Rob: What about our competitors? Surely we should be checking what they’re doing and planning our strategy accordingly?

Colin: That would be too sensible. Why, we could even gain market share.

Jonas: Why don’t you two shut up. The boss is trying to help us, make us better, and you two aren’t helping. He’s saying very clever things you don’t understand. And you’ll never understand, you’re just too old and stupid.

Rob: but Jonas, he’s not addressing the G8 economic summit. He’s talking to us, the simple-minded minions. How come can’t he tell us straight what he’s on about? If he were as clever as you say, he’d be able to see we have no idea what he’s talking about, and he’d say it in a way we can all understand.

Jonas goes red. “I know you’re stupid and the boss is clever, because I can understand what you say but not what the boss says. So stupid people obviously can’t understand clever ones. You’re just trying to be complicated, but I see right through you. You’re probably a racist as well.”

Boss: Thank you Jonas, but we’ve done all we can. Rob clearly does not understand your simple, clear logic, or my more complex but brilliant intellectual meandering. He’s a typical racist imperialist, trying to confuse us with his ill-gotten education at the expense of our forefathers..

Boss to Rob:  You’re fired for racially insensitive conduct. Get out.

< Two security guards and Jonas drag Rob out the door. Jonas leaves him at the door and returns.>

Jonas: Does anyone else have anything patronising to say to the boss? Because the boss can be cruel, but can also be kind. I mean, he saw the huge potential in me and promoted me right from the bottom, from toilet cleaner , to the top, the vice department head, in one go. He’s a wonderful person and I’ll do anything for him.

Boss: Thank you, Jonas. You are of course, correct. I can be a very good friend. Or a crual enemy. You decide. Jonas has shown his loyalty, and gets his due rewards.

Boss: now where was I? oh yes, The organisation must replicate and combine without a viral interference and with all our Boots firmly on the ground . I hate to use a tired old business cliché, but we know that The customer is always right. Its always nice to spend our time Polishing a Turd, but acknoeledgement of a Loss Leader can float uas like a tiger on steroids.

Colin: Damn this BEE. I would have been the boss. Then we would never have to sit through these meetings..

Boss: Who said that?

Jonas: It was Colin. Another culturally insensitive  remark.

Boss:  I’d fire you if you didn’t somehow get those pictures of me in a compromising situation and you know it. Imperialist racist. You think you’re untouchable, but just you wait. I’ll marry that woman, then my wife can’t object any more. Then you’ll be history. I know you’re not interested in what I say but the other people are. They want to go places like I do.

“What I’m saying is that The key is to be proactive such that we develop our legs and can go really far. It is what it is, its about Putting lipsitick on a pig to gain a ballpark figure within which we can work. We can get granular and reassess our Strategic scalability to ensure we are only Going from good to great. The idea is to launch our Next Generation in terms of Rightsizing and for tis its voital we Put a stake in the Ground and are not afraid to Multi task.

That’s it. Thank you all for attending and, as always, for your valuable contributions. Especially you, Jonas. I saw how you endangered yourself getting rid of that mad racist Rob, and these acts of loyalty are all noticed. To the rest of you,  I look forward to your continued and more energetic efforts to please me over the next week.

Boss stopped. Minions  file out. No one speaks, no one looks at anyone else. all avoid each other.

 The boss was busy and heads off in a hurry, speaking on cellphone.

Ian Goes to the coffee machine, singing/whistling. Naïve nooby Paul comes up.

He pushes up next to Ian. "Ian, what did you think of what the boss said at the meeting?

Ian Look at him disdainfully. Take a long time to stir coffee andignore him. Then:

"I think he brought up some very good points. I'm going to mull over it, but I really think he was spot on. I'll probably have a private chat with him later and we'll go a bit deeper into the issues, he probably kept it light and understandable for you guys who don't really know what's going on. "

Ian tries to walk determindly away, as though he iss going to deal with all the issues the boss raised right now. But Paul had just got started. "But Ian, what exectly was said? What are we supposed to do?"

Then Ian gushes, " Let me clarify the implementable framework to achieve your Six Sigmas without an Out-Of-Pocket experience and to avoid the resultant the 800 pound gorilla from hindering our Marketing-driven objectives and prevent an Improvement in ROI. What we’re looking for, people, is a win-win situation and to achieve this we may need to circle back and re-evaluate where our core competencies stand within the global turnaround strategy."

Ian walks away, Paul stand looking at him in shock. Paul goes to receptionist. “I used to like him. But he’s changed. Like I don’t understand him. I don’t even know what he’s saying anymore.”

Bertha: That’s because he’s speaking a different language. Its called Excecutive speak. He learns it Every afternoon at MBA classes. He doesn’t communicate with us anymore,  And we don’t understand him anyway. He’s made for bigger things. You watch, in six months he’ll be your boss.”

Paul. Damn. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

END OF SKETCH